I pride myself on the fact that I am a very independent person, but last night has revealed to me that I may not be as independent as I thought. It was prom, and there was a LOT of people complimenting me. Really, a lot. It was heartwarming, because I didn’t think I looked that good. I’ve never been treated like that before. I felt really great about my appearance, and I still do. (despite the hungover grunge look) It was just a really good weekend, and it had a lot to do with how often I was admired by others. Maybe I need to stop thinking and feeling like an independent person because other people make me so happy. I shut others out of my life too often, and I let people out of my life because I get tired of them. But maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to do that anymore. If I don’t like other people, that’s okay; but I should really make more of an effort to tolerate other people when they’re being unpleasant. Sometimes I’m unpleasant too, and no matter who I become friends with again, they’ll be unpleasant on occasion as well. This sounds silly when I write it out and read it over, but I’m trying to become a more pleasant person to be around. And build up my social life, which I have recently realized is dwindling. It’s not the most important thing to me, but it IS very important I think. Especially in the dying age of communication.
As much as I want to try to change in the search for more happiness, I love my cynical sarcastic self. I think I just need to know when enough is enough.
Sometimes when someone says something seemingly rude, or unnecessary, or out-of-place, I think it’s up to those around to consider what led them to say that. We’re so quick to assume that someone says something rude because they are a rude person, but the fact is, the majority of times something like that is said, it’s said in the heat of a moment. In that moment, YOU have said something to compel that person to say something rude. And yet 9 times out of 10, responsibility is never claimed by either party.
I know I am certainly guilty of this.
I have a solid 10 000 000 books I need to read.
Among them are:
- Man’s Search for Meaning (over halfway through)
- Fifth Business
- I Capture the Castle
- No Impact Man
- Eating Animals
- Me Talk Pretty One Day
I couldn’t be more eager to get out of high school. I feel like I’m between two groups of friends. They get along okay, but of course one always has to make fun of the other whenever I’m around. I don’t want to know what on earth they say about each other when I’m not there. Anyway, prom is coming up and I’m supposed to be taking pictures at the river with one group o’ friends, going to dinner with the same gang, and then heading to this girl’s house to pre-drink. BUT NOW, I’m not invited because one of the girls is upset with me. It’s a whole other situation that I’d love to get into, but I won’t. In a nutshell: one minute she hates me behind my back, the next minute she’s complimenting my dress and asking me where I got it. Anyway, now I have nowhere to go for like an hour and half, unless someone else comes up with an alternative. This girl who’s upset with me wants to apologize before I step foot in her house. That’s not going to happen because I’m not sorry about anything. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow though. And kindly ask her to stop putting our friends in the middle of things and actually talk to me.
So back to my thesis. I can’t wait to get out of high school. I could awkwardly ask my other friends what they’re doing for pre-prom but that would just be weird I think. I don’t want to ask them. They haven’t talked about it around me and I’m afraid that means I’m not welcome or something. I DON’T KNOW! :S I’m so confused about my relationships with everyone around me all the time! Once I get out of high school I will no longer feel obligated to talk to people on a regular basis! I hope it’s a drama-free summer.
I have a friend, or something of that nature, who writes a lot. Our friendship is kind of an illusion, because I truly hate him. But I firmly believe that high school is just a bunch of people pretending to be friends but truly hating everyone and everything. So I suppose our friendship is nothing different then the majority of relationships I currently have. Anyway, back to the writing a lot bit. A while ago, before he showed any interest in me as a person separate from others, I enjoyed his writing. But for some reason, since I have gotten to know him, and he has for some reason taken to show me every singlefucking thing he writes and ask for my opinion, I hate his writing. It just seems like he’s trying to confuse everyone with his big words and awkward wording. And he tries to verge on new ideas but doesn’t complete the full idea and thus leaves the reader hanging, and frustrated, and confused. And he wants to be a writer. Or a philosopher. Or a motivational speaker. Good luck buddy.
I’m so tired of humor, holy shit. So many of my friends are so obsessed with joking around; making a joke out of everything; making people laugh; avoiding anything serious. For chrissake people, there IS a time to be serious, and when you’re intentionally trying to be funny, IT USUALLY ISN’T FUNNY. I’m so tired of smiling to make others happy, I’m so tired of pretending to be happy all the time. I’m not happy, and I hate this world, and I hate having to face problems. And I feel like I’m holding up the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I have to DO something with my life to help other people, but I feel like maybe I can’t, because in order to genuinely give and give frequently, I need to be happy, and I’m not happy. Most importantly, I don’t know what’s going to make me happy, if anything. I’m tired of seeing laughter and smiles when I’m suffering so much inside.
I might stop being such a cynic soon. But maybe not. I haven’t decided.
